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Tuesday, 30 March 2010

The Seven Waiters of Kusadasi

Kusadasi is one of Turkey's top tourist spots - gorgeous beaches, plenty of ruins and great hotels. It's beloved by young people for its many bars and clubs - and restaurants. Here's our guide to the the strange breeds of waiters you may well meet during your time in Kusadasi:


Dopey: armed and dangerous.


Sleepy

This guy’s always late to work, blaming it on a faulty alarm/sick grandmother. He yawns his way through his shift, functioning thanks to the strong Turkish coffee coursing through his veins. He’ll tell his customers he’s been up studying but really he’s been drinking raki in some of the area’s less salubrious bars with his even less salubrious friends.

Watch out for: dark circles under eyes, unshaven, a permanent slump, coffee stains on his wrinkled shirt.

Favourite phrase: “Double espresso, quick.”


Happy

Bounces from table to table, his pockets jangling with tips. He charms old ladies and does magic tricks for the kids. He’s always ten minutes early for his shift and looks bright-eyed and bushy tailed every day. He’s studying for a Diploma in Customer Relations. Hated by Grumpy and Sleepy.

Watch out for: starched shirt, bright eyes, pen and ready smile always at hand.

Favourite phrase: "Can I get you anything? Anything at all?"


Grumpy

Hates his job. Hates his workmates. Refers to customers as ‘vermin’. This guy hates everyone, especially Happy. Can be heard grumbling about being overworked and underpaid. Don’t ever complain to Grumpy about your meal – he’ll snarl at you and spit in your food.

Watch out for: Permanent scowl, clenched jaw, always muttering under his breath.

Favourite phrase: “This place is a %$£&ing dump!”


Dopey

Lurches from table to table, wobbling plates as he goes. He is famous among his workmates for the Great Plate Crash of 07. The boss wants to fire him but he’s such a nice guy, and besides, he keeps customers coming back in hopes of a crashing good evening.

Watch out for: Food and drink stains on his clothes, anxious expression.

Favourite phrase: “Oops!”


Bashful

Fears speaking to people almost as much as he fears being spoken to. He’s not cut out for the job but he needs to save up for assertiveness training. The best way to approach Bashful is to speak quietly and never, ever meet his eye or you’ll reduce him to a quivering wreck who’ll weep into your soup.

Watch out for: Downcast eyes, slouch, cap pulled down low over his face – when the boss isn’t around.

Favourite phrase? No one has ever heard him speak.


Sneezy

Constantly ill – well, he thinks he is. Regales his customers with tales of appendectomies, kidney stones, heartburn and bipolar disorder. Regulars tend to avoid Sneezy’s section; one cough and he’s diagnosed them with double whooping cough.

Watch out for: A worn copy of The Do It Yourself Book of Diagnostics, tissues, red eyes and enough pills to embarrass a drug dealer.

Favourite phrase: “It’s probably fatal.”


Sleazy

Lock up your daughters – this guy’s a slippery character. Bad chat-up lines, bedroom eyes and litres of cologne, he’s out to score and he’ll stop at nothing. Ladies titter at his practiced patter and men roll their eyes.

Watch out for: Little black book, comb, tight shirt, lube.

Favourite phrase: “You have the most beautiful eyes I’ve ever seen.”

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